Monday, 12 May 1834

incurred the cross thinking of Miss Walker just before nine - a fine but dullish morning - dressed downstairs in 40 minutes to speak to Mr. Shaw the plasterer who had waited 1/2 hour to get lime and sand on Wednesday for him - his men to begin pointing westside of house on Monday and do over the north chamber gable-end in a fortnight or 3 weeks when the lime had stood long enough not to blister - then with Pickels and his 2 men Dick and John Ambler who began setting the stone-posts and railing at the bottom of the Hall croft this morning Charles and James Howarth helping John Booth to get the stuff down - and Charles Haworth's nephew Carter preparing rail ends

Breakfast at 11 and [Marion] came to mend a tear in my pelissse and staid talking till 12 20/30 about her living with Miss Mosey I recommending it rather than marrying Mr Abbott

Out at 12 20/60 till came back and saw the aunts ankle dressed a little after 1 - then out again pulling up old hedge at bottom of Hall croft and with John at it and had the horses and carted the old bits of walling into a lump near till 5 when came home to Washington - He paid Miss Walker's theatre dividend £21.13.10 1/2 (Mrs. Sutherland having the same) - speaking of Lidgate I at last said it would be let - he valued it at £65 per annum house and 32 Day Work - the 2 large fields behind the barn very bad - stiff clay - said I valued it at £80 per annum - he said that rent could not be got - Lightcliffe a very dull place now since the Walkers trade was given up

Dinner at 6 1/4 - then coffee in an hour - long in teaching Joseph how to wait - then at my desk at 7 1/4 wrote the above of today and the following:

'Shibden hall - Sunday evening 11 May 1834. my dearest Mary - I mean not always to be so long, and I hope, I shall rarely, if ever, be longer than a week, in answering your letters - the last reached me on Tuesday evening - I was beginning to fancy, it might be your intention to wean me gradually from expecting to hear from you so often as I have done, even the last 2 years - You have so long so effectively taught me to yield to your decisions, I was preparing to resign myself once more, when your affectionate pages came to give me hope, that perhaps my fear was groundless - Surely, I have in no degree deserved to forfeit your esteem - why then should there be an interruption to that friendship which has already lasted two and twenty years and may last, to the great comfort of us both, at least, so long as you have no greater fault to find with them at present - Be our particular circumstances what they may, there was the influence that moulded them to their present shape, - and, if our shadow or regret has ever flitted across their path, remember, you never whispered it to me, till time and deeply wounded feeling had made that whisper come too late - But cheer up, my dearest Mary - Better things await you than you think - You know not how anxiously and ardently I long for your happiness, and how fondly my whole soul still clings to the belief, that there is one who can, and will make you happier than I could have done - you yourself doubted our being now suited to each other - and, from the moment you succeeded in making me doubt it also, my mind was made up - "Fresh interests may squeeze themselves pretty closely by the side, but they have not, and cannot encroach" - that the latter part of this sentence could not suggest itself to me, I am sure you will acknowledge, if your memory serves you faithfully - you too well convinced me, that all your tastes were changed; and I still hope, you will by and by thank me for having better understood your welfare than you yourself understood it, and for having steadily acted up to the profession made on your marriage, that, if I could not promote your happiness, at least, I would not prevent it - Mary! you never trusted me enough, nor even as much as I deserved - we have both paid dearly - too dearly for the mistake - But much is still within our power; and friendship’s moonlight beam may be so bright, that the evening of our day may be more cloudless than its morning - Cheer up, my dearest Mary - I shall be a better source of happiness to you now, than I ever was before - your health will improve; and your spirits will be lighter; - and you will own with gratitude, that heaven had ordered all things wisely - come what may, you cannot doubt my friendship and regard; and come what may, it will be your own doing if the measure of my most affectionate attention should ever seem less heaped up, running over, than at present - you need not "feel awkward in writing" to me - the fate of your letters, is quite at your own disposal - Had you no objection, I might naturally read aloud a few sentences now of them; - and you would have no reason to regret it - but, if you think otherwise, you may be assured of my doing as you wish - I shall be in York on the 20th. but not longer than to take up my friend on our way for a little excursion to Richmond, and its interesting neighbourhood - I shall be about a week away, and then have a few parting days of solitude, - and then my plans must depend much upon the state of my aunt's health - She is so much altered, you would be shocked to see her now - She bids me tell you so, with her best love - She suffers a great deal, yet still, I fear, her sufferings will be even greater, ere her place shall know her no more - Mary! the longest life is, as it were, a span long; and, when the fulness of our time is come, God grant that we may all be not only ready, but happy, to exchange things temporal for those which are eternal! - Monday evening Mary! I think about you a great deal, always affectionately - every feeling of irritation is gone by; and I am only anxious for your welfare - assured of your happiness, my own would be as perfect, as I could desire it should be - I have every reason to be satisfied - Few prospects are fairer than those which open round me - nothing is wanting but to see her whom I have loved so truly and so long, - to see her as comfortable as myself - Mary! it was you, not I who made our destiny what it is - I was but the tool you worked with. But I am resolved to think the work well done, and, for your sake, even more than for my own, I am resolved to make it answer - Doubt still, and for ever, that I could have made you happy - nay! believe I could not - look up to those whose confidence you have kept inviolate - gather up all the faults you ever knew me have, and set them against all the excellencies of the highly estimable friend I shall yield the palm with pleasure, and shall be thankful to heaven for the boon of still being useful to you, and still being witness of then having done that best suited to ensure your happiness - I have no feeling towards you but of affection; and believe me, my dearest Mary, always and invariably very especially yours A L-'

Had written so far and sent off my letter (3 pps. and ends and under the seal) at 9 10/60 'Mrs. Lawton, Lawton hall, Lawton, Cheshire' - read and shed many tears over my letter I did so also in writing it tonight and yesterday - will she weep over it? what meaks sic all this sensibility now that all is over she having done it and I being really so satisfied? am not i inconsistent as well as she? had she been different should i have been devotion on her part would have kept my adoration thro life but is it not better as it is?

Fine but dull morning - light showers between 3 and 5 p.m. - fine evening - with my aunt from 9 3/4 to 10 20/60 at which hour Fahrenheit 58 3/4 - note this morning from Mr. John Waterhouse junior to say the next monthly meeting of the Literary and philosophical society would be on the 12th. i.e. tomorrow - Pickells said on Saturday there would be about 300 yards of the Conery wood pit hill and bringing it down to this side the new dry bridge, between it and the entrance gate, at 1/- per yard = £15. the old dry bridge fell in last night - crushed in by the great weight of stuff from the garden terrace, we have put over it -  

WYAS :SH:7/ML/E/17/0030 & SH:7/ML/E/17/0031