Friday 30 May 1834
No kiss last night crept into when she was asleep that she knew not of my getting in - quiet this morning she not well enough for much moving about but looked at her queer and played gently tho not excitingly
Had Parsons to cut my hair at 9 1/2 and he then cut Miss Walker's breakfast at 10 1/2 while Miss Walker lay down again - not free from sickness - Dr. Belcome came about 11 1/2 Miss Walker got up to see but lay down again before he went away - merely told him we were going to London to Dumergue the dentist for Miss Walker but begged him not to name it - the Lawtons expected at Harrogate in August - I think Dr. Belcombe seems now aware of the business between Miss Walker and myself - asked me if I thought her being so well would last - yes! I had no fear - said I had heard this morning from Mariana Leamington forwarded from Shibden, dated 26th instant 3 pages and ends and under the seal
Composed proper enough letter tho owning she repented her conduct and its consequences tho if I was really happy she could not at least be indifferent to the person who made so 'tho probably a little time may elapse before I could meet any individual under such circumstances with composure but strange thoughts and feelings press upon me at least there is yet one in which you have never had a rival most probably never will for in some particulars Mary is not like every other woman for tho her heart may be moved there is still a string which never vibrated to any touch but yours who knows but it is now silenced forever' she says before 'your pages crowd so many thoughts upon my mind this I almost seem deprived of the power of arranging my ideas I could think I could look back upon the past and know and feel perhaps all you tell me to be true but the mind that can gain nothing by regret ought to find no leisure to look back all is now decided and if I cannot make you happy I ought to rejoice that any other can that I have and do love you dearly and fondly you cannot doubt heaven forbid that our friendship should ever cease for without it Fred I should indeed be wretched I am grateful for the kind assurances you give me of your continued regard if my love has sometimes perplexed you it has been more from the waywardness of circumstances than from inconstancy of my nature' owns she required a stronger mind than she had and if I had been oftener with her all would have been different - says shew ill gain by learning not to anticipate 'your tried and steady friendship will always be a sure support and both now and forever I shall lean upon it with unganing [sic] steadfastness and I hope and believe I shall ever retain it as I hope never to do anything to forfeit it I do lament the past and regret its consequences but you shall never hear more on the subject if the uphill of life has been ruffed I will try to think the descent may be more smooth and that we may at least now and then enjoy the comfort of meeting' - asks to hear more of my plans I can now better bear to hear them, and hope to rejoice in any plan which you may have adopted as likely to secure you the society and never slumbering watchfulness of any one who is dear to you - If you are really happy I cannot at least be indifferent to the person &c. &c.
Miss Walker and I out a few minutes before 4 - went to old Mrs. Belcombe and walked with her in her garden near 3/4 hour - all the rest out - then to Mrs. Williamson to see silver handled Knives at £3 per dozen said I would not give more than £2 per dozen - at Myers's - home at 6 dinner
Mr. Brown came to give Miss Walker a lesson at 7 (putting clouds into her worsted work) - at 7 40/60 off to the minster - 2 or 3 gentries at Mrs. Belcombes so came away
Wrote all the above of yesterday and today till now 10 10/60 p.m. at which hour tea - came to my room at 11 very fine day Fahrenheit 60 at 11 55/60 p.m.
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