Friday, 16 May 1834
Fine - ready in an hour Fahrenheit 57 at 8 5/60 - reading till 9 1/2 from page 25 to 76, volume 24 British prose writers to the end of Horace Walpole's Reminiscences
Letter from Mr. Scott's book-keeper 'George Ellis, 3 Dove Street, near the Nunnery, York', to say Joseph had brought away his livery hardly worn at all, and to beg me to desire him to send it back again - the poor lad brought it away in ignorance, never dreaming, as nobody said anything to him about it, that he ought to have given it back
Letter also 3 pages from M- Mariana Lawton, dated Thursday 8th. instant and lastly last Tuesday night 13th. instant - hoped to have heard from me - disappointed tho' saying she had now no right to be so - and indeed ought not as she had neither asked me to write to her at Lawton, nor had I promised writes to ask me to pay my 'new servant James for a great coat Thomas had bought of him'
Found her scholars more stupid than formerly dined at rode nothing interested her Mary is not what she was or the same things would produce the same pleasure but it matters not
'Time will do its best and worst, and after all is the short span of life worth a thought? a few short years and all is over and mine neither have given, nor from sufficient of comfort to induce or wish that they might be prolonged no one knows, not even you dearest Fred, what I have gone thro', and at this moment I feel as little caring for the future of this world as if 24 hours would close my existence perhaps I should be thankful to know its duration was so limited - you, at least, I trust will be happy, for you deserve to be so, and earnestly do I pray that it may be so'
And that those you love best may secure to you all the comfort necessary to your wish at for the present adieu then writes the more than half page of conclusion on Tuesday night - poor Mary how she has always marred her own happiness but how was it when I was so low two years ago she shewed no great pity for me
Breakfast in 20 minutes at 9 1/2 - wrote the above of today till 10 20/60 - some time out with Pickels and the rest - Pickels relevelling the ground in front of the house before 12 - and was at the railing in the afternoon with his 2 men - Had Joseph up twice for a good while about correcting his letter to Mr. Ellis respecting livery - had 1/2 hour's nap
Wrote 3 pages and ends to M- Mariana as follows - 'Shibden hall - Friday 16 May 1834. I have this moment, my dearest Mary, received your letter dated lastly the 13th. instant (Tuesday last) - three days from Lawton! this shews me, that my letter, written on Sunday, and sent on Monday (the 12th.) would reach Lawton a few hours after you were off - Surely it would be sent after you immediately - and surely, you have received it, ere this - Mary! I am very very sorry my pages were not with you at Lawton - but they will convince you, you were not out of my thoughts, are not, and are not likely to be - the more, my dearest Mary, I reflect upon the past, the more I am confounded at the appalling inconsistency of your conduct - that you should grieve so deeply over its consequences, is a heavy misfortune to us both - But this I can truly say, that whatever you may 'have gone thro'', I cannot earnestly believe it to exceed the misery, the ruthless desolation of heart, that fell upon myself - to me it was more sudden than the lightnings glare - you had long warning - the storm cannot but at your bidding; and from your own breast, sprang upon the rock on which the hope of 20 years was wrecked - In pity, and in common justice, remember this - think too that you can never have had one feeling of wounded pride to add its sting to all the rest It was your own hand drew the card that sped the deadly shaft home to the heart that had no shield but its affection - Mary! your aim did seem so coolly, so deliberately taken, the arrow scarce could miss her way - But no more - my regard is still perhaps worth having; and it will not be my fault if it does not serve you fitly - For my sake, at least take my advice this once more - Cheer up - rally round you all those hopes that are scattered, rather than destroyed - let not spirit turn cowed, but gather together your resources - calculate them fairly - manage them well - remember that you have a tried and steady friend who will help you to the utmost, and, trust me, you have no need to despair of happiness even in this world - Despair is always a false calculation - we cannot tell the good that may be in store for us; and when our horizon seems lowest, who knows that the brightest gleams of our existence are not at hand? Mary! I will do anything in the world I can for you - and surely, it is in my power to be a great comfort to you than the 1st. embryo thought of the, now as it appears, strange resolve you came to, 2 years ago - But perhaps, after all, you were more right than you now believe - If all your tastes were indeed so changed as you told me, while mine, as I honestly avowed, remained so nearly the same, how would it have answered to be still entirely dependent on each other? for you must not forget, that, as the circumstance, which seems more particularly to tell you the secret of your own heart, would not have occurred, you might still have been ignorant of it as ever; and I should not have had the strong advantage of being valued as at present - Mary! Is not this reasonable? You found travelling insupportable - you had other interests dearer than mine - you could not bear to leave Lawton - you even made a point of my promising to settle near there - and you, above all people, knew how I was situated towards my own place where my family had lived between 2 and 3 centuries, I being the 15th. possessor of my family name - Mary! the spirit of my uncle started up before me, and had my life been the sacrifice, idolatry must have yielded to honour - Mary! my dearest Mary, you thought of me too lowly then, as you think of me too highly now - Reflect upon these things - you will be happier by and by - you will trust my friendship and regard implicitly; and this will not be the least of the comforts that, I firmly hope, will attend us both - ask me to write, or to do anything - I do not feel as if I should ever disappoint you much I have no feeling towards you but of affectionate regard; and my greatest anxiety is for your welfare - But cheer up, Mary! be comforted, my dearest Mary, if it be but for my sake - How my pen still lingers on this engrossing subject! I must answer the purport of this letter - James Clayton is no longer my servant - he came to me on the 24th. ultima refused to wear Thomas's livery - on the 26th. and left me on the 28th. sorry probably for his folly, and not calculating that I should not retract the warning given at the moment - Mrs. Williamson, Register office for servants, Colliergate I think it is, York, is the only person I know of, likely to know anything about the man - You will see from the last, as far as I can tell at present, what I am going to be about - I shall probably be in York by 12 on Tuesday, and off in hour towards Richmond - In my aunt's present state of health, I cannot be absent more than a week - I do not expect her surviving another winter - my father's life, too, is very precarious - he had a very slight paralytic affection, more particularly in the left arm, 3 or 4 days ago - Marion's attention to him is quite exemplary - Her feeling towards me seems altogether changed into what is most comfortable - God bless you, my dearest Mary! You cannot possibly doubt my regard, nor how much I am always very especially yours A L-'
Writing out this letter has taken me from 3 25/60 to 4 10/60 = 1 1/4 hour – what will Mariana think of it I see three tears had fallen on her paper what a goose she has been surely she never thought of losing she played upon me too much the history of our acquaintance may be summed in she – accepted refused accepted married offended refused repented
Reading over my letter and dawdling till out 4 1/2 – with Marion in the garden – with Mallinson &c. – dinner at 6 1/2 then coffee and Marion was with me till after 8 – then sent off my letter to ‘Mrs. Lawton, Claremont house, Leamington, Warwickshire’ – and Joseph took to post his letter to Mr. Ellis to say he should have the livery hat and all on Tuesday – from 8 1/2 to 9 1/2 in the fields looking at the new railing – 18 posts and railing there to belonging set this afternoon, and all would be finished tomorrow if we had the posts, but we shall not have enough by 8 – 2 plasterers came this morning from Shaw’s, and cleared away the dirt and plaster ready for pointing west side of house
Talking to Marion till 10 1/4 – Is Northgate, or will it be, sold or not? – tonight at 7 the sale was begun – I have not thought much about it even this evening, and not at all during the day
My day was spent over my letter and my eyes stiffish with the tears that fell or stood big in my eyes this weakness is too foolish
10 minutes with my aunt and came to my study at 10 25/60 and wrote the last 10 lines of today - Fahrenheit 61 now at 10 40/60 p.m. and raining fast - seemed to begin a few minutes ago - fine day - tho' dullish - very good for growing - my father does not like the idea of flower-beds, so the ground before the front windows is to be all sown down with grass and clover - till 11 1/2 read from page 79 to 99 Horace Walpole's letters British prose writers volume 24
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